Seeing more with less

IN LOVING MEMORY - CANDY PLASTIQUE STEINKE 2009-2025

There are parts of the body that are critical for the success of the painter. Matching color requires the eyes. Painting a straight line requires the shoulder, arm, and pinkie. Holding the brush and quick delicate strokes, the wrist and hand. The older we get the more the body shows the wear and tear. For me that would be now 40 years.

This time it is my eyes. They are needing surgery for vitreous detachment that created an extreme case of floaters. Cataracts are also in place now so that will be done during surgery as well. It's like looking at life through an oil lamp from the 60's, with trails at night and fuzz during the day from light. My eyes are in a chronic state of refocusing as the floaters move. A lot.

It makes them very, very tired. It gives me headaches. I paint an average of 4 hours a day at the moment because that is the most I can get out of them. However, I have learned how Monet must have felt when his vision was poor. There is an instinct that kicks in when the eyes want to stop sending signals to the brain. The brain begins to send signals to the eyes.

It works from muscle memory and 40 years of playing with form and shape and color. So, I keep painting. I have created some fun and some realism and heartfelt pieces the last 6 months. I think people who watch and know me forget the world I am coming from. That works for me.

I like being able to press forth and draw from other layers of my spirit. Creation takes place from that mysterious, ethereal soup. And other senses sharpen when one of them is weaker. It's like having psychic antennae tendrils that feel for me, vs being as attached to my cerebral and deliberate skills self. I like the direction it takes me because painting with feeling is when it gets really good and the flow is a ride on the perfect wave.

Two years ago, I broke my painting wrist. I kept going by painting left-handed until my right hand and arm healed up. It rewired my brain. It loosened up my style. This time, poor eye site it is giving life to art through animals. Which is so ironic.

My surgery for my left eye is on Dec. 30. If all goes well it will be shiny and new and better than it was before all of this. In the meantime, I will continue to paint.

I also lost my kitty Candy 5 days ago. She was old and had gotten sick. My heart is heavy and my love for her in this grief fills my chest. What an honor and gift to have her in my life her whole life. She was my ride or die. It is ironic, as I am painting cat portraits. All of my love for her goes into the soul of these paintings as they become a balm for healing.

I know we are in the thick of the holiday season. It is a rough time for many. I usually get seasonal depression this time of year as I lock myself away into my studio. Now more than ever that isolation feels palpable.

Candy is gone; my vision is poor. I live alone. I paint alone. And the more successful I am the more solitude is required to do my work. For some reason I do not feel depressed. I feel everything. I don't feel numb. I feel color and bright and dark and my "feeling" part of myself is forced to wake up and exist in order to function. Such a strange experience. Truly psychedelic in a natural state. Miracle of the body function for survival.

I have been avoiding my feelings most of my life as I am such a passionate person and at time the pain was too much. Being numb was the fix. Not this time. Not even by choice.

No this is not leaving me in a dark hole. But rather feeling more connected to the world than ever. Those tendrils. Magic....

Happy whatever you celebrate this winter. All of it is valid and beautiful and celebrating is so good for us. Keep that candle lit. It's always darkest before dawn and we are on the horizon of a brand new day.